Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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