Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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