I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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