i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
