You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
