Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
