I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
