WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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