I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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