i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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