remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
