I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
you had me at cake vodka
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
