Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
