Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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