soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
