remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
