I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
zippers are such a cool invention
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
