did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
