saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize