I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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