apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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