I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
