Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
