He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
