Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
