i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i was born a porn star she said
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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