I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Your tits are I can't wait for
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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