god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
