The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
