It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
