Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize