Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
