he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
