Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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