Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Randomize