Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
