I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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