Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
