Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
So vagazzling was a success
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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