I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
