i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
