I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
