So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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