I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
i am craving dick and cupcakes
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
