Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
