her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
