Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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