Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
