I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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