Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
