Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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