epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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