I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
