i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
