I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
